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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I decide to take a stroll by the river. The sun’s shining, and I’m feeling good. But then, I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, and I’m like, “I used to be a champ at this!” So, I join in. Big mistake. I trip over my own feet and faceplant right in front of them. They’re laughing, and I’m just lying there, thinking, “Great, now I’m the clown of Qusmuryn.”